The Model: Circumstances vs. Thoughts

I’m excited to delve into the main coaching tool I use with all my clients.  I call it “The Model.” It’s a way to think about our world and how we interact with it. It might be something you already do naturally and when I put labels on it, it will make perfect sense to you.  It might also be that you will have a hard time believing that this is true.  But I promise–it’s useful in every situation.

Using this model in my coaching makes me a “causal coach.” My coaching is not about treating the symptoms of pain.  When you break your arm, you want the doctor to fix the break–the cause of the pain.  You don’t want her to simply give you pain medication for the symptom of pain that you are having.  You want her to get to the root of the problem (the fracture) and fix that. That’s what we do in causal coaching.  We get to the root of your pain–your emotional pain.

In weight loss we are finding the root cause for the eating when you aren’t hungry, for the cravings and urges and for the not eating what you had planned.  There is a root cause.  You will want to just say “I didn’t feel like it.” or “I don’t know why I was eating.” But it’s my job as a causal coach to help you find out why you didn’t feel like it, what you were actually feeling and why you were actually eating.

Just giving you a meal plan fixes the symptom of “I don’t know what to eat.” But it doesn’t fix the root cause of the overeating. Putting you on a “diet” does nothing to fix the root of your weight problem, which is your thoughts.

Circumstances vs. Thoughts:

The first thing to do in causal coaching is to separate the facts from the story.  My clients come to me and tell me all about their week.  Some of it is circumstance such as “there were donuts in the break room.” And some of it is thoughts “I really wanted a donut.” We think that the donuts are causing the urge or craving.  My clients tell me this like it’s a fact. But the truth is that it’s her thought about the donut that creates that desire.

Here’s how I know this is true.  Let’s pretend you are a teacher. Monday a coworker brings donuts as a surprise.  She doesn’t tell anyone, but they are in the staff room.  You have a student come into your classroom during lunch for extra help so you never make it into the staff room that day.  The donuts still exist in the staff room.  They are on campus and freely available.  Tuesday another coworker brings donuts. You do have time to go to the staff room for lunch and you see the donuts.  Then you have a thought like “Look free donuts! I love donuts!” This thought creates desire and craving for the donut.  If the donuts themselves created the desire, you would have had desire on Monday because the donuts existed in the exact same place. But it wasn’t until you become aware with your brain and you have a thought about the donut that desire is produced.

“The circumstances of our lives have no effect on us until they encounter the mind and we attach meaning to them.”  ~ Brook  Castillo

Do you see how it’s your thought about the donut that is causing the craving and ultimately the pain? Then there is a swirling vortex of thoughts about donuts being “bad” and telling ourselves we “can’t have the donut” and that you “shouldn’t” have the donut and on and on.  None of these thoughts even crossed your mind on Monday because you weren’t aware of the donuts being available.

How about another story with a bigger consequence than donuts.  Let’s say at 1:00pm your spouse was in a terrible car accident.  You are having lunch with a friend and are having a great time! You are laughing and connecting with her–at 1:00pm.  You are not aware of the accident so you don’t know to be worried or sad.  You have not had a thought about the accident yet.  But it doesn’t make it any less true that the accident has happened.  It’s when the accident comes into our awareness and we have a thought about it that it has an effect on us.

This is the difference between circumstances and thoughts.  Here’s a few other examples: