When I had young kids, I read a book called “Children: The Challenge” by Rudolf Dreikurs. It was originally published in 1964, so many concepts in it are older (such as addressing spanking), and none of the examples involve cell phones or netflix or even teenagers having their own cars! But, the concepts about the use of natural and logical consequences were invaluable to me.
One such concept was in the chapter Withdraw From the Conflict regarding tantrums. It says this:
There are always two sides to any unpleasant situation between parents and children. The disturbance is the result of a conflict between two people. If one person withdraws the other cannot continue. If the parent removes himself from the battlefield he leaves the child in a vacuum. He no longer has an audience or an opponent–nothing and no one to defeat. “The sail has been taken out of his wind.” This phrase is more accurate than the customary one; one cannot stop the child from blowing–therefore his “wind” is uncontrollable. But one can remove one’s self from his wind, which thus becomes futile and ridiculous!
I’ve been reminded of this concept as I learn about our brains. It’s often said that we have two parts–the lower brain and the higher brain. You might also hear the animal, or reptilian brain and the pre-frontal cortex. But my favorite is the toddler brain and the adult brain.
Our lower brain sometimes acts like a toddler. It screams for things. It demands attention. It is worried, scared and defensive. We use our higher adult brain to calm that down. The lower brain believes emotional danger is the same as physical danger, and it’s the job of the lower toddler brain to look out for danger to keep us safe. When our lower brain notices danger, in the form of a mean girl, the adult brain calms that by using the knowledge that mean girls are not actually tigers and won’t kill us.
When we have urges for food items that are not on our protocols, it comes from that toddler part of the brain. When that toddler part of the brain “screams” for candy (just like a real life toddler!) and we reward that screaming with candy, that part of the brain learns that “screaming” is an effective way to get what it wants.
However when we allow the toddler to have the fit, to blow and blow and blow, without reacting or trying to stop the tantrum, the toddler stops.
Here’s where we take the sails out of the wind. When the toddler part of our brain offers the idea that a sleeve of Oreos would be a good idea, it’s usually pretty insistent. That part of our brain gets very loud and tantrum-like. We use our adult part to convince ourselves that we don’t really need that, that it’s not a good idea, that it will “ruin our diet.” But that’s when the toddler just gets louder and louder. Have you ever tried to just talk a toddler out of a tantrum? In my experience that never works.
Instead what we do is just allow the tantrum in our brain to occur. We take down our sail and allow the wind to blow. We stop resisting the urge for cookies. When we stop trying to talk ourselves out of it (like trying to talk a toddler out of a tantrum is futile), and just allow the urge to exist in our brain, it actually dissipates.
When you have an urge and you reward it, it intensifies. When you allow it to be there without rewarding it, it dissipates. When we stop encouraging the urge, it extinguishes itself. The urges will eventually go away. –Brooke Castillo
When you do this the urge will go away. Sometimes it takes some time and some practice. The first time you try this with a live toddler, she will be very confused and the tantrum will go on for some time. But as you stop responding to it, she will stop tantruming. The same goes for the brain. When you allow your urge to be there, without responding to it or trying to resist it, it will dissipate.
Think of your higher adult brain as the sailboat. Your lower toddler brain is the wind. Each time the wind kicks up with an urge to overeat (whether that’s sweets, chips or fast food), just visualize taking your sails down. Feel that urge blow through your mind. Notice it. Acknowledge it with a thought like “Oh that’s interesting that my brain thinks I need cookies right now.” And move on with what you are doing. You just took the sails out of the wind. The secret is not to try to talk your way out of it, don’t try to convince yourself you aren’t having the urge, and don’t try to resist it by pushing it away and trying to not think of it. All that is using your sail. Just allow.
Yes it will be uncomfortable at first. You can totally do it though.
Each time you do this you will be strengthening the pathways that allow urges and you will notice that the urges will come less and less frequently.
What urges do you have recurring you need help with? Book a free strategy session with me and we’ll figure them out together!
